Family | Life Well Blended

Category Archives: Family

Capturing a Christmas Miracle

December 22, 2012

Every year, like many families, we try to send out a holiday card. I’ve been doing this since Nico’s first Christmas, 14 years ago. Each year, my holiday card includes a photo (or several photos) and a newsletter. Yes, I am that kind of mom. The one who writes about her family in a yearly recap, although I like to think my recaps are kind of cleaver, since I try to write them in prose or to the tune of a Christmas carol.

I enjoy writing so the newsletter part of my Christmas card is usually pretty easy. However, no one in our family, or extended family, is a photographer, so the picture part of our Christmas card is a much more difficult task. This year was no exception. In fact, this year’s Christmas card photo was probably even more complicated since Erica now spends the majority of her days at her mom’s house, and it felt like we would need a Christmas miracle to get the entire family in one location, looking camera-ready.

On Sunday afternoon, Erica and Nico had to attend Confirmation class at our church. Then they had to meet with Olivia and the rest of their acolyte team to practice for the Sunday evening Advent church service. There was about a 15 minute window of opportunity to get a photo. Luckily, our church is directly across the street from a beautiful photo spot, the Pasadena City Hall courtyard. We all met at the courtyard about 2:30 in the afternoon. It was not the “Golden Hour” for photography, but the light was still really nice. In fact, when we arrived we realized we were not the only ones who wanted to take pictures. There was a fashion shoot in one area, two wedding parties, and about three other families all taking photos. We wanted to take a picture in front of the city’s Christmas tree but it was in a shaded area and would have been too dark. We opted for a spot in front of a beautiful fountain in the center of the courtyard.

Olivia offered to let us use an SLR camera that her mom had loaned her. Olivia was confident she knew how to use the timer. Juan told me I didn’t need to learn how to use the timer on my own camera since Olivia had it under control. Juan brought along his new iPhone 5. He also brought along a couple of TV trays, tripods and a cardboard box since we were going to need to set the shot up and then run into the picture. Talk about Amateur Hour. All around us there were professionals taking nicely staged family photos, and wedding pictures. Not us. Nope, we take our family Christmas photos using high-end equipment like this:

The photo "equipment" used to take our family photo.

Just to make it more interesting, we gave ourselves only 15 minutes to take a family portrait. As if that wasn’t enough pressure, the girls started bickering, Juan started stressing, and then Olivia realized she really didn’t know how to use the camera timer after all. Good thing Juan brought along his iPhone 5. He took a couple of pictures, one which was useable, but Erica didn’t like herself in it. At the last minute, and in an act of desperation, we asked a complete stranger walking through to courtyard if he wouldn’t mind taking our picture. Olivia set the camera focus, handed the camera to the stranger, and got herself into position. Then we all tried to look like we were in good cheer, and I said a silent prayer that our “photographer” would not run off with the camera. The stranger snapped two shots. One of them made it to the Christmas card. A Christmas Miracle.

Christmas Photo 2012

How do you take family portraits? Do you send Christmas newsletters?

0 Comments - Leave a comment!

Family, Holidays and Celebrations

On the Sidelines–Life As a Step-Parent

November 26, 2012

You may have noticed a lack of blogging going on here. It’s true. I have been a sporadic blogger, at best. Not the best thing to be if you are trying to build an audience, and definitely not the best thing for me since blogging is how I release my pent up creative energy. Perhaps that’s why I have been feeling more than my usual stress.

Or not. Actually, perhaps why I have been so stressed lately has also something to do with why I have not been blogging. There has been a lot going on in my family right now. Most of what has been going on is not mine to share, so I won’t. But, let’s just say it has been emotionally draining and has required every bit of my attention. The past couple of months of our blended family life has been consumed with teen drama. I mean real life drama–not the made-up stuff. The drama seems to be leveling off now, at least long enough for me to come up for air and take a look around at what’s been happening on my blog–nothing. Truth be told I have been wanting to write about the hard stuff going on at home, but since so much of my “material” is the stuff of other family members, I am really conflicted about whether I should blog about it at all. But, this is still my blog, so I feel like I can write a bit about it from my perspective, as a step-mom and a mom.

Parenting during the teen years is difficult, and step-parenting during the teen years is really difficult. I have bio sons and two step-dauthers, so I get to experience both, and lately, it has been really hard to be a step-parent of teenagers. When things happen to my girls-and they are my girls even if I didn’t birth them–I want to to step in and help Juan solve the problem. That is not my job as a step-mom. Too often I have to sit on the sidelines and watch as Juan and his ex-wife try to resolve issues with the girls, sometimes in ways with which I don’t agree. Too often I have to support Juan in his parenting even though there are many times I feel like I would have done it differently. Like the Monday morning quarterback, in my mind, and sometimes out loud I catch myself re-playing his moves, criticising his attempts which appear to cause us to lose ground, and the Hail Mary passes which seem to me like acts of desperation. I am a great Monday morning quarterback, and even though I cheer Juan from the sidelines, I am sure my unsolicitied advice to him is as annoying as that player harping ,”Put me in coach.” The truth is often Juan does listen to my Monday morning quarterbacking, and that in itself is not always a good thing. In fact, with all the challenges we’ve been dealing with lately, Juan does not need to hear me yelling plays from the sidelines. He needs to know that I am here cheering him on, but not telling him what to do. This has been quite a test for me, because I’ve come to find out that I am somewhat controlling, and very opinionated. Shocking, I know.

My challenge is that I am trying to overcome my propensity for offering advice, and learning to keep my parenting thoughts to myself, as our family therapist recommended I do. Even though Juan and I are partners in every sense of the word, step-parenting, right now, requires me to be a silent partner. I can listen to his concerns, and support him in his ideas and approach. Even though I am still struggling with this, I learned that if I leave it alone, it can free me from feeling like I am responsible for helping resolve the drama in our house right now. I can’t fix it–it’s not my job. That’s creating quite a bit of conflict for me right now, since I often feel powerless and sometimes hopeless.

It’s a difficult place to be in. I’m sure I am not alone, as a step-mom or a parent of teens. In the meanwhile I am waiting, on the sidelines, for it to get better.

Do you ever feel like you have to parent from the sidelines?

2 Comments - Leave a comment!

Blended Family, Children, Family, Relationships, Step-parenting, Thoughts

Celebrating Thanksgiving in a Blended Family

November 22, 2012

This was originally posted last year but I thought I’d share it again. This year I am again hosting Thanksgiving dinner, and this year Nico won’t be with us to celebrate. He will be joining his dad and his other family and Olivia and Erica will be with us. Somehow we’ve gotten off our schedule. I guess it’s one of the downsides of being in a blended family. I’ll be thinking of Nico as I give thanks for the many blessings in my life. Happy Thanksgiving to you and your families.

Over the river and through the woods,

To ~~Grandmother’s~~, ~~Mother’s~~, ~~Father’s~~, house we go….

I remember singing that song during a holiday recital when I was a young girl in elementary school. The words to the song were very personal to me because they reminded me of celebrating holidays with my own family. My grandmother, who died this past June, was the matriarch of our family, and during the holidays, my extended family of uncles, aunts and cousins, would gather at her house to celebrate. It did not matter that she had a small house, her kitchen lacked a dishwasher, and a reliable oven, her house became the meeting place for our family gatherings. It was only in the last several years, when she was well into her 90′s, that we stopped gathering at her house, and Juan and I took on the job of hosting Thanksgiving dinner for our large, extended families.

Even though hosting Juan’s family and my own extended family means a house full of people, and a sink full of dirty dishes, I really do enjoy having everyone gather at our house. I love creating and maintaining the family traditions that go along with hosting the traditional Thanksgiving meal. However, in our blended family, creating traditions can be a challenge, because, unlike the song I learned to sing as a child, we don’t always know who house our kids will be going to for the holidays.

In our house, like most blended family households with joint custody, our kids share the holidays between our house and their other parent’s house, alternating every year. So far, we have managed to keep the kids on the same schedule, so that when Nico is with his dad, the girls are are also with their mom. This means that we have to be resourceful and creative to keep the traditions throughout the years, even when we are not all together. I remember the first Christmas that Nico and I spent apart because he travelled out of state with his father. Nico was three years-old and excited to be going on a plane to see his grandparents. I was single, home with my parents and broke down in tears at the sound of his voice on the phone. I still cannot think back to that time without feeling sadness and loss. These days I still feel a loss when Nico is not with me on a holiday, or when we can’t be together as a family, but I know that the kids have to experience these holidays and celebrations with their other family as well, and their lives will be enriched by it. I try not to let my own sadness spill over into their own celebrations, and I try to carve out some time for us to celebrate as a family, even if that celebration may not happen on the actual holiday. For instance, in the past, I have made a mini-Thanksgiving dinner for just the 6 of us. We celebrated early because the kids were going away for Thanksgiving day. On another occasion, we celebrated an early Thanksgiving and during a spontaneous moment of good will we invited the other parents. It made for an impromptu blended family portrait and it captured a moment in our family history.

Our 2007 early Thanksgiving celebration with the kids and all their parents.

This Thanksgiving will be one of those times when we won’t be together on the actual holiday. It’s an exceptional year, because typically this would be a year that is “ours.” However, this year, the girls will be celebrating with their mother and her family. I am happy for them, since they have a lovely family on that side, and for this they have a lot to be thankful. But, they will be missed by our extended families, who are gathering at our house. Nico will be with us, and of course, Diego is all ours. This year when we gather to eat we will feel my grandmother’s absence, and the absence of Olivia and Erica, but our hearts will be filled with gratitude for all the blessings in our lives. Blessings of health, home and family–in whatever form that comes in.

1 Comment - Leave a comment!

Blended Family, Divorce and Remarriage, Holidays and Celebrations, Relatives

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday

November 14, 2012

One Drawing, two perspectives.

My Perspective: Juan and Diego are roasting marshmallow, while I am running around to get the stuff together for the Smores.

Juan’s Perspective: He and Diego have been busy at work setting up camp and building a campfire. They finally get to sit down and relax and enjoy the fire and roast marshmallows. Meanwhile, I have been outside frolicking in the woods gathering flowers.

0 Comments - Leave a comment!

Children, Family, Wordless

Inspiring Beauty

October 8, 2012

Today I am participating in Dove Inspired, a campaign to promote self-esteem in young girls. Dove believes that beauty should be a source of confidence in young girls, not a source of anxiety, and that a simple act like starting a conversation about beauty can promote self-esteem in girls. Research shows that 72% of girls between the ages of 10 and 17 feel tremendous pressure to be beautiful, and only 11% feel comfortable using the word beautiful to describe themselves. While these numbers seem shocking, I guess I shouldn’t have been too surprised because I have two teen girls who are both beautiful in many and varied ways, but who don’t feel comfortable using that word to describe themselves. The statistics shouldn’t have surprised me either because I still remember my teen years when I felt like the ugly brown duckling waiting to bloom into the the elegant white swan, complete with blond, flowing locks a la Farah Fawcett. (Remember, it was the early 1980′s.)

Needless to say, I never got the long, blond, flowing Farah hair, but it was not for lack of trying. One disastrous perm and several curling irons later, I resigned myself to the fact that my long straight, dark brown Latina locks would have to do. You can imagine how ironic it was for me when I found myself one day speaking to my younger step-daughter, Erica about the fact that her long, brown, wavy hair was just as beautiful as her older sister Olivia’s long straight, black hair.

Olivia and Erica, have always had a relationship fraught with rivalry. Their early bickering about Bratz dolls has grown into full out yelling matches about clothes, and yes, even hair straighteners. One day Erica was comparing herself to her sister and began characterizing the differences as shortcomings. Olivia, sensing Erica’s vulnerability, moved in for the kill, taunting Erica with a hair straightener and saying her hair looked like Hagrid’s from Harry Potter. Erica was understandably upset. I pulled her aside and we looked in the mirror together. I pointed out the many features she possessed which were beautiful. Her long, wavy hair, her thick eyelashes which frame her deep brown eyes. Then we talked about those other attributes, which are less superficial, but even more important, her energy, her quick wit, her loving affectionate ways. We spoke how beautiful she is on the inside and outside. These things which may seem insignificant or unimportant now, but which she will grow to appreciate. Then I told her about the standard of beauty with which I grew up. The blond, blue-eyed surfer girl, and my feelings of awkwardness as a dark hair, brown eyed Latina. Now, my ethnic appearance makes me feel special, unique. I don’t know if it really sunk in but at least we started the conversation. I hope that it won’t take long before it resonates with her. I hope that it at least will make her to think twice before she gets into an all out yelling match with her sister over a hair straightener.

How do you talk about beauty?

This is a compensated post in collaboration with Latina Bloggers Connect and Dove.

1 Comment - Leave a comment!

Children, Sponsored Posts, Thoughts