Category Archives: Children

Hiding the Salami

When I was a young girl growing up in my family of six, I did not go hungry. My father worked to support us and my mother stayed home  to care for us, and of course cook for us. We did not eat fancy foods, beans were a major staple in our house.  We had meat on the table, except on Fridays during Lent when dinner was usually tuna salad and macaroni and cheese.  We ate well enough at home and we all appreciated the rare meal at a restaurant.

We also really appreciated the occasional “special foods” our mother would buy, like the bags of chips, the boxes of Hostess Ding Dongs, Twinkies and the packages of sweet rolls.  In fact, we so appreciated these treats that we coveted them. Literally. With four kids in the house, one of them my teenage brother with an insatiable appetite, we had to ration our shares. If we didn’t, my brother would get more than his share donuts, cookies, or chips. When a package of special foods found its way into our pantry, we would count how many treats were in the package and pronounce to everyone, our allotted number.  I quickly learned that in order to secure my treat, I had to put a label on it and hope my siblings honored my claim to rights.

Sometimes, if I really wanted to be sure that the treat would be there for me, I had to resort to more drastic measures. I had to hide my food. I sought out places to stash those foil wrapped Ding Dongs which looked like presents, or the cellophane wrapped Twinkies. If only I had known that someday the Twinkie would become an endangered species, I might have stashed more of them.

As an adult one of my pleasures is going into the grocery store and buying foods I like, knowing that I can savor them in the comfort of my own home. No labels. No hiding.

Until recently. My girls like food too. In fact, they like good food like gourmet cheeses, breads, snacks.  Juan and I will sometimes enjoy a glass or two of wine, with a cheese plate and maybe some nice meats, like the dry aged salami I find at Trader Joes.  When I realized that the girls began indulging in my stash, I became annoyed. Especially, when at the end of a long work week, I looked forward to pouring myself a glass of wine, making up a cheese plate, and having my own private happy hour.

This week I was at Trader Joes doing my usual grocery shopping when I browsed the cheese selection and spied the aged cheddar, the brie and the wine salamis. Ahhhh. I realized that the girls would probably appreciate the cheese and salami as much as I would and if they got their hands on it, it would all be eaten faster than you can say Bon Apetite. As soon as I got home from the store, I unloaded my groceries, and I hid the cheese and salami. That’s right, I HID THEM. I am back to hiding my food.

As the week passed I knew that my salami was safely squirreled away, waiting to be savored, I thought to myself that I had outsmarted them. Then, I decided it was time. It was Friday and the weekend was upon me. I was ready to enjoy my happy hour. I took the salami from its hiding place and was ready.

But, something distracted me, and I had to delay my wine and cheese soiree. So I put it in the refrigerator, promising myself I would return. As it happened I got sidetracked and my happy hour plans were derailed. That night Erica had a friend spend the night. I made them dinner and dessert then cleaned the kitchen. As I went to bed, I could hear the girls foraging through the pantry looking for something to snack on.  Really, could they still be hungry? I checked in on them as they found a box of cereal to snack on. I went back to bed, knowing that their appetites should be satisfied.

When I woke the next morning I found the girls asleep on the couch, an opened box of cereal, the salami and a stack of dirty dishes on the coffee table. I guess the girls had their own happy hour. Forget the hiding place, I think I need to put a lock on the refrigerator.

Is nothing sacred? And why does she need a knife that big?

 Do you hide food to keep others in your house from eating it? 

 

 

Looking Backward at 2012– Moving Forward to 2013

I can’t believe 2012 is coming to an end. It sounds cliche, but the time flew! When I look back at my last blog post for the end of 2011 I realize how anxious I was to bring on a new year. 2011 had its own challenges so I was happily looking forward to starting anew. That’s the thing about blogging, it keeps me accountable to my own life, and my own words. In reviewing 2012, I can honestly say it was better than 2011, it many ways, but it was not as good as I hoped it would be.

There have still been the regular stresses of living with teens, which seem to be amplified when you factor in the multiple households that come with our blended family situation. The living arrangement that I hoped to return to hasn’t materialized–Erica still lives most days with her mom and Olivia is full-time with us. I miss having the consistent routine of shared custody, (that’s an oxymoron). The transitions we experience when Erica returns for all too brief periods, are difficult, especially for Diego, who misses his sister’s regular presence.  But, Olivia seems to have benefited greatly from living with us full-time. She finished the important junior year in high school with exceptional grades, and seems content. At least, as content as any 17 year-old anxious to leave the nest and escape her parents’ clutches. The fact that Olivia is now a licensed driver helps to ease her restlessness and gives her some independence, at least temporarily until she sets off to college in the Fall.  She’s already been accepted to two of her top colleges and is waiting to hear from a third. 2013 should be a good year for her.

Olivia earned praise for her hard work this year.

2012 marked a huge transition for Nico and Erica. They graduated from junior high and have started high school. Both are finding their way through the academic challenges of Freshman English and Algebra I and they are loving the social life and “big pond” experience they have gained moving onto high school.  Having spent 9 years at the elementary school and junior high with essentially the same kids, they are both enjoying maintaining friendships with some of their former classmates who are attending the same high school, and they are thrilled to be making new friendships too. As for me, I love seeing them expand their universe with new friends, and new experiences. I know 2013 will be an enriching year for them too.

Erica and Nico at one of the last events of Junior High.

For Diego, 2013 will probably be more of the same,  I hope. After all, he is only 8 years old, and I don’t expect a new calendar to rock his world too much. He’s (finally) in the second grade, and happy to be there. His Spanish is improved, and he is a strong reader.  He consistently drops in a Spanish word or phrase when he talks to me or Juan, and he is proud of his expanding vocabulary. I am convinced that sending him to the Spanish immersion program in our public school district was a good idea. Sure there have been things he’s missed out on not attending the Catholic school that his older siblings attended, but he is gaining a language. How can you beat that? We manage to help him fill in the gaps with his participation in our church childrens’ choir, soccer and little league baseball. He’s looking forward to moving up a division in soccer this year. So, for Diego 2013 should be just fine.

Diego enjoyed his first season of baseball in 2012.

As for Juan, I think 2012 was a very satisfying year, professionally.  He was rightfully recognized by my alma mater,  Loyola Law School and the Criminal Courts Bar Association for all the hard work he did on a case involving a wrongfully convicted defendant. He was in his element this political season, since he loves politics. He followed all the pundits and devoured all kinds of blogs, and news shows during the elections.  His two worlds collided this year, when our boss, the District Attorney for Los Angeles, did not seek another term, and we had to elect a new top prosecutor. Ultimately, we are very happy with our new DA, and look forward to the changes in our workplace that a new administration will bring. I think 2013 will be a very good year for Juan too.

Juan earned the Ignatian Award, in service towards others.

When I started writing this post I wasn’t sure how it would go. I realize I didn’t have any time this year to write my regular Christmas newsletter, like I have done in our 2006 Family Newsletter, and in 20072008, 2009, and in 2011, so I wanted to write a kind of retrospective on the year, but there is just too much to say. That’s another perk to blogging, I can post another day. For now, for me, 2012 had some high points, and some very definite low points. It wasn’t the year I hoped it would be, but it wasn’t a year to frown upon either. I think 2012 was probably a transitional year–one which I hope will lead me to an even better year in 2013. Happy New Year. 2013. Bring it!

How was your 2012? Are you looking forward to a New Year?

 

Making Lemonade From Lemons

Like many of you, I spend most of my weekends doing errands, catching up on household chores and chauffeuring kids to sporting and social activities. These days it seems even busier, since my kids have gotten older and I have to spend a lot of time taking them places to accommodate their busy lives. This past weekend was no different. Olivia had to attend a 6 hour college preparation workshop in Santa Monica, a beach city that is an hour drive from my hot, dry foothill community. I dreaded the thought of the freeway traffic–an hour there, an hour back—and two hours later, another hour there and another hour back. One long, wasted day. Lemons.

Juan suggested I take the time I would have spent sitting in traffic and stay in Santa Monica. He told me to use the time to write, or do whatever I needed. Brilliant! So, instead of sitting in my car all morning I packed my laptop, dropped Olivia at her workshop and then went for breakfast at a nice café and did some writing. Lemonade.

After awhile I realized that my laptop battery began to die, so I packed up my things and walked back to my car, which I had parked in front of a small public library. I went inside, found a nice table to continue writing and took out my computer charger. That’s when I realized I had brought the wrong charger. With 3 hours to go until I could pick up Olivia, 20 minutes left on my battery life, and a whole lot of writing still to do, I had no computer. Lemons.

I left the library and went out to my van. Good thing no one ever cleans their stuff out of the van, because I found this:

Old school writing device.

I walked two short blocks to the beach, found an empty chair with an umbrella and finished writing. Lemonade.

Lemonade

After I finished writing I still had over an hour left before I could pick up Olivia. I looked around and saw that there was a bike rental place behind me. I realized that number 17 on my list, of 50 Things to do Before my 50th Birthday, “Ride bikes along the beach”, was still unfinished. Unfortunately, the bike rental shop accepted cash only. I looked in my wallet and found a whopping $2.00. Lemons.

Then it occurred to me that I had bought a Groupon a while back for Venice Beach bike rentals. I looked on my Groupon App on my phone and found that the Venice Beach bike rental shop was less than 2 miles away.

I also noticed the Groupon had expired. More lemons.

Ah well, I decided to go there anyway to see if I could still use it. I left Santa Monica and drove to eclectic Venice beach. I quickly found parking and the bike rental shop. When I got to the bike rental shop the quirky man with the eye patch and Aussie accent told me I could still use the expired Groupon. Lemonade.

A spontaneous bike ride on the beach.

How do you make lemonade from lemons?

 

 

On Being the Step-Mom on Mothers Day

When I became a mother to my two boys, it was in the typical fashion: wanting babies, making babies, growing babies, birthing babies, loving babies. I bonded with my baby boys quickly and easily, as I nursed hem, changed their diapers, and cared for them.

When I became a step-mother to my two girls, it was in the typical fashion: dating their dad, loving their dad, marrying their dad, learning to love them. That’s right, I said learning to love them. One of the more important things I have discovered along my step-mothering journey is to allow myself time to love my girls. I don’t know that I ever experienced a crystallizing moment in my life when I knew I loved them, but I can honestly say that I have grown to love them. Yes, there are definitely days in these teen years, when they challenge my loving feelings, but I think that is pretty normal, even among fully biologically related adolescents and their parents. During these trying times I think to myself that it was a really good thing that I became a step-mother when the girls were little. It has allowed us time together when they when they were sweet and cute, before they became hormonal teens.

Juan and I started dating when the girls were 6 and 3. I can still remember the first time I saw Erica. She was in Juan’s car, perched up on her car seat holding an empty bottle. She had long since given up drinking from a bottle, but she still held onto an empty Playtex nurser as her comfort. When I asked her about it, she told me “I just like to hold it.” My heart melted a little. I’d like to say that at that moment I instantly fell in love with that little girl with a quick smile and fly away curls, but I would be perpetuating a myth that becoming a step-mother makes you love your partner’s children automatically. It doesn’t. In fact, becoming a step-mother probably has less to do with love and more to do with compassion and endurance. Step-mothering is a test of love. A test of the love you have for your partner, and the love you have for your family and the family you hope to become.

Juan and I have been married almost 9 years now. This year I will celebrate my 8th Mother’s Day as a step-mom to my girls. Every year, it’s a little awkward, and every year it get’s a little easier. On one of my earlier Mother’s Days as a step-mom, I woke to the sound of activity. Juan let me sleep in a little but I could hear the unmistakable sound of kids trying to stay quiet as they started their Sunday morning. The custodial agreement between Juan and his ex-wife stated that the girls would be with their mom on Mother’s Day. It was our weekend together but of course, they needed to be with their mom on this special day. They were excited to go and share with her the handmade gifts they created at school. When I got up I could see that Olivia had two beautifully wrapped packages waiting on the window seat in the living room. I commented on the packages and she said that the gifts were for her mom and aunt. Olivia left a few minutes later calling out to me, “Happy Mother’s Day,” taking both presents, and leaving me empty handed, and feeling hollow. Ouch.

It’s gotten better since then. I know Juan remembers the bitter sting I felt that morning when I realized that all my efforts caring for the girls went unrecognized. It was a painful lesson, that as much as I cooked their meals, washed their clothes, combed their hair and helped them with their school work, I was just the step-mom. But it was also a lesson in compassion for me, and it continues to remind me that as difficult as step-mothering can be for me, step-daughtering for them is just as difficult. Of course, they love their mother, and even through the teen conflicts we endure right now, I know they love their dad. Loving me, is a little trickier. Isn’t it a fantasy of nearly every child of divorce, no matter what age, that your parents will get back together? How do you love someone who is the obstacle from your parents ever getting remarried? How do you love someone who does the “motherly jobs” without betraying your loyalty to your “real” mother. It’s complicated and I am sure the girls felt conflicted, and still do feel conflicted at times.

That morning was a reminder to me that I needed compassion to fill in gaps as I learned to love my girls. Yes, it hurt, but they needed time to get to know me and what our relationship as step-mother/daughters would be. We needed time to grow to a place where they could love me without feeling they were disloyal to their mom. I needed time to know them, and not feel pressured to love them instantly. Different from bonding with my newborn sons, bonding with my girls is prolonged, and seems to be a more back and forth; a shared process between me and each daughter. This process is evolving still today. It is constant shift in what it means for us to be in relationship with each other, especially since now Olivia lives with us full-time and Erica spends the majority of her days with her mom. Through it all, I am loving their dad, loving my family, and I am loving them.

Happy Mother’s Day to mothers and step-mother’s everywhere.

On our wedding day, the day I officially became their step-mother.

Mothers Day morning update: Juan surprised me with this link to a video he made and posted to You Tube. Watching it made me realize that through all our years together we have really bonded as a family.  Plus, it made me really cry!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M8NmfBNCYeg&feature=youtube_gdata_player

 

 

 

Ring Ceremony

Not long ago Juan and I took an extended lunch hour from work to attend a ring ceremony at Olivia’s high school.  What’s a ring ceremony? Well, I am glad you asked, because I didn’t know either, until I went to one.

Olivia is a junior at an all girls  Catholic college prep school. I never went to Catholic school growing up, much less an all girls school, but if I had, I would have loved to attend this school. Her school is in a diverse, urban neighborhood. The school is over 100 years old, founded by a very progressive order of nuns. So progressive in fact, that the nuns actually defied the archdioceses directives and abandoned their habits in the 1970′s. The school’s motto is that the young women who attend are educated to be of “great heart and right conscience.” I see Olivia maturing into a woman of right conscience. Olivia too, is loving her experience at this school, and when she came home last year with the order form for her class ring, she was very excited about the idea of getting a ring for the school she loves. I was less than enthusiastic about spending so much money on a piece of sentiment that wasn’t even “real” jewelry.

The Rings

Olivia’s class ring reminded me of my own, long lost piece of tin. My class ring was pewter, and had  a blue stone, for my school color. It was probably the most expensive piece of jewelry I owned at the time,  but it was not “real” jewelry.  I ordered it from a catalog and when my class ring was delivered,  I picked it up from the student store, and proudly slipped it on my finger. I think I wore it for the next two years until I graduated high school and then took it off when I went to college. I haven’t seen it since.  My class ring was a sentimental symbol of the times, that quickly became a token of a chapter in my life that ended when I went to college. Knowing this, I tried to dissuade Olivia from spending so much money on a piece of jewelry which was sure to become cast aside once she graduated high school. She could not be dissuaded so we ordered the ring for her waited for its arrival. When the ring arrived, she told us that it would be presented to her in a ring ceremony, and invited us to attend.

The ceremony included music played by a worship band and a choir. Olivia thrilled us and her her classmates, by playing the drums as part of the band. She had been studying drums for a while, but she doesn’t like to play for us. Other than the drum banging going on in our garage, it’s hard to know she actually is making any progress drumming. There was a brief moment of panic when I saw that the dress Olivia was wearing was so short it made it difficult for her to sit behind her drum kit and not be embarrassed. Luckily, she was wearing a sweater and she took it off and draped it across her lap as she played her drums.

A girl and her drums

During the ceremony the rings were blessed, and the girls received special notes from their “ring sisters,” girls from the senior class who acted as mentors to their younger classmates.  At the designated time in the ceremony the girls received their rings returned to their seats and then placed the rings on their fingers.  This moment, they were told, officially marked them as upperclasswomen, making them leaders in the school and giving them the special responsibility to be examples to their younger classmates. It was a special moment for Olivia, and for me. While she was officially becoming an upperclasswoman, I was that much closer to having  step-daughter who would soon be leaving home for college. It was a bittersweet moment. Their are definitely days when she is in full teen mode and I think I am ready for her to leave for college,  but there are more days where I realize how quickly the years have flown and how the days we have together are coming to a close.

It was a very special day for Olivia, and as it turns out for me too.

All manicured and ready to go!

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